Those who are close to me know that sometimes I get big ideas. It’s impossible for me to just have a birthday and Christmas gifts can’t just be something I scout from the store on Black Friday. When it’s time to really do something we’re doing it right and we’re giving it 100%.

One time I was playing a game called Most Likely To with my friends, and I was given the card that reads, “discovers meaning of life on a daily basis.”

Insert a dramatic eye roll here.

For a long time I kept my life, feelings, and opinions internalized. I think a lot of it has to do with where I come from and the personalities of those who raised me. There were a lot of anxieties and emotions that I suppressed because they were just so big that it made me feel… burdensome.

In some of my old posts you can see where I tried to mask my anxieties or outwardly express how internalized I was becoming. Honestly, thank God for this blog, because I ended up in my own personal hell for a while.

But over the last couple of year’s I’ve met people and experienced things that have allowed me to grow. I’ve realized the importance of exploring emotions and allowing yourself to unapologetically be unique. I’ve learned so much about myself and the world around me.

Yesterday I had one of those big, “meaning-of-life” discoveries.

I started a new Beachbody program last week and, to be blunt, this shit is hard. I’ve always been flexible and enjoyed dance aerobics, plus I’ve been lifting and challenging my body in new ways since last Spring – but holy crap Elise knows how to work those baby muscles that I didn’t even realize I had.

Anyway, every workout comes with an affirmation. One word that follows the mantra, “I am.” There’s 60 cards for 60 days and so far we’ve channeled our inner ambition, focused on becoming grounded, and tried to center ourselves. I’m living for all of it over on my IG.

Heading into my Monday workout I was hoping for a word like, “strong” or “capable.” I needed that motivation.

Instead she drew, “I am forgiving.”

Seriously??! 

So I spend the next half hour burning like a mother and listening to Elise talk about forgiveness. She mentioned we need to forgive ourselves, which has always been hard for me. She noted that forgiving those around us was equally important for our growth. It really did promote self-reflection during the blend which made the time fly.

While meal prepping I decided to listen to Shaun T’s most recent podcast, especially because it featured Elise. I assumed it would mostly be reflective of the new fitness program, but they both shared stories that went beyond the gym and it made me appreciate their energies on a new level.

During the episode Elise mentions that she doesn’t believe things happen accidentally.

Boom. Moment. Forgiveness is my new word for 2020.

I happened to neglect getting my meal prep done over the weekend. Instead of self-sabotaging, I was working on it while listening to the podcast. I had also really struggled through some of the moves in the workout I had just completed, so everything seemed a bit off. (Which is probably why I wanted a really motivating affirmation for the day.)

Forgiveness is so much more than accepting an apology. It’s a self-awareness to let go of any resentment we might be holding on to.

I forgive myself for dropping out of the plié, because I know my body is being challenged in a new way.

I forgive myself for smashing lasagna and garlic bread on two different occasions during Divisional Sunday, because living a healthy lifestyle doesn’t mean depriving myself of my favorite things.

And ultimately kind of “finally” forgiving myself for bottling those emotions and not dealing with them in a healthy way.

Let your emotions be big. Let the pride and the confidence take over if it makes you happy. Be forgiving and continue to focus not on getting better, but just being better.